Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
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Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
fixed it
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil