@Izianikapani

Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.

You Might Also Like

@Brampersandon_

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

@realHamOnWry

As you grow older you’ll start feeling your body getting stiffer. But don’t worry … it’s just rigor mortis practicing for the big day.

@LnL245

“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”

*drops string cheese*

“This hole is no cause for alarm”

*picks up string cheese*

@UncleDuke1969

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

@ariscott

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

@MikeRevenaugh

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”

@daveexplosm

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.