@AnnietheNanny1

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

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@Grind_n_Roll

I don’t like dictatorships. All dictators should be shot, and if anybody disagrees with me, they should be shot as well.

@Shock_Monster

If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I’d have to pick:

My girlfriend.

@pixelatedboat

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

@BW_Jones

There are unfortunate spelling errors, and then there’s this.

@itsallbollocks

couldn’t decide between consumed and ate so went with consummated, taking my donut love to a whole new level

@ilovepie84

My Boss called me immature today so I gave him a wedgie and made fun of his ugly family.

@HoldinCoffeeld

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

@leechee420

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

@CAshmanActor

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W