Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
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british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
The second world war should have been called world war returns
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”