Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

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I don’t like dictatorships. All dictators should be shot, and if anybody disagrees with me, they should be shot as well.


If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I’d have to pick:

My girlfriend.


Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake


There are unfortunate spelling errors, and then there’s this.


couldn’t decide between consumed and ate so went with consummated, taking my donut love to a whole new level


My Boss called me immature today so I gave him a wedgie and made fun of his ugly family.


Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.


How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?


[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd