@AnnietheNanny1

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

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@LaziestCanine

[sprains my ankle]
Doc: does it hurt when you put pressure on it?
Me: Let me check
Me: [to ankle] c’mon dude try it, it’s only one cigarette

@living_marble

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

@Bill_Nye_Tho__

s/o to parallel lines for keeping that shit platonic and never crossing. they keep a healthy professional work ethic

@ComedicBust

Fellas, don’t waste your time. Memorizing the lyrics to Gangnam Style hasn’t gotten me laid once.

@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

@TweetPotato314

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

@desukidesu

bully: hey 2015 called, they want t-

me: wait they called?

bully: well tha-

me: [grabbing his collar] YOU’VE GOT TO WARN THEM

@FeralCrone

4yo son said the word prototype. When I asked him what it meant, he said “People are a prototype” and I was too scared to ask what he meant.

@InternetHippo

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing