Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
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Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf