Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
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no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.