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@Divergentmama

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

@notlaneydelaney

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

@sonictyrant

“Now that i’ve completed my teleportation device, the world and its wonders are mine to behold”

*Teleports to the nearest taco bell*

@The_MartiniGirl

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

@aksorojas

fiancé: *marvels at the beauty of the Eiffel Tower*
me: will you do me the greatest honor of *looks at smudged writing on hand* murdering me

@aotakeo

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: Time for bed
Brain: Ok
Brain: PSST. EVER WONDER IF EARTH’S TECTONIC PLATES WON’T BE ABLE TO SUPPORT THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE ON EARTH?!

@jellybnbonanza

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

@TheBoydP

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting