My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
You Might Also Like
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
incredible book dedication
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.