*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
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[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room