Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
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My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.