please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

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Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!

Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.

Boss: You’re doing a great job.


I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!


I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.


I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.


Damn boy, are you fresh ground pepper? Coz you’re kinda boring and you’ve been on top of everything.


In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up


I dress up as a Girl Scout for my boyfriend, but just so we can practice our elaborate cookie heist.


I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.