@jamdugg

PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
Neighbor: hello
OH gOd NO
OH gOd NO
OH gOd NO
OH gOd NO
Me: hi

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@MrPhetz

Why did my ex gf Fav my tweet where I announced that I got laid off. Why did you do that sharon

@Gen22

Are you busy?

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Nah

@whatmaddness

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

@MoistPork

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

@hippieswordfish

WAITER: what can i get you
ME: what do you recommend
WAITER: i recommend that you tell me what you want to eat

@christinaloca

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

@dafloydsta

[date]

HER: I absolutely love Star Wars

ME: Oh me too

HER: What’s your favorite part?

ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war

@BoozeWallet

[walking through park with date]

Did u know there’s more vitamin C in pine needles than in an orange

[blood is just pouring from my mouth]

@krautsider

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

@trevso_electric

The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.