@jamdugg

PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
Neighbor: hello
OH gOd NO
OH gOd NO
OH gOd NO
OH gOd NO
Me: hi

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@NicestHippo

Props to every deodorant commercial ever for abandoning all creativity and just going with “If you buy this, women will have sex with you”

@TheMichaelRock

Justin Bieber made a racist joke when he was 15.

Quick, someone give him $2 billion for his basketball team to teach him a lesson.

@Thedudish

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

@CobraKeiser

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

@chrisdelia

Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.

@Fickle_Filly

The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

@robyn_vo

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.

@davidkenny100

What I don’t understand is, how did Jabba the Hutt become so powerful? He’s just a fat, lecherous crook.

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@DaHess1

“Cellphones only work when you talk into them like you’re trying to be heard over a buzzsaw screwing a freight train.”

– My Dad