please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
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at ease…shoulder.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.