Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
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The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
how do y’all walk in shallow water
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
The news
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?