Sex is only 10% of a relationship unless youre not having it.
Then its 100%.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
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god: why should i let u into heaven
me: for starters i didn’t invent heroin
me: i also didn’t invent wars, racism, poverty, cance-
god: ok i get it
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
When someone hasn’t tweeted in a while I always wonder if they’re okay… as if being on here is a sign of mental and emotional stability
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Just teach them what you know.
“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today