Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
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SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
My time has come.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*