@notalogin

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

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@IsisIrisimawake

Sex is only 10% of a relationship unless youre not having it.

Then its 100%.

@randypaint

god: why should i let u into heaven

me: for starters i didn’t invent heroin

god: what

me: i also didn’t invent wars, racism, poverty, cance-

god: ok i get it

me: mosquitoes

@fro_vo

[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary

@tsm560

When someone hasn’t tweeted in a while I always wonder if they’re okay… as if being on here is a sign of mental and emotional stability

@Shade510

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

@Marlebean

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

@juicymorsel

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

@SvnSxty

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

@bombsfall

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today