Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
You Might Also Like
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
From my Mom
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.