I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
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Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.