Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
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*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
*weighs self after shaving
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
wtf is an acronym
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder