Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
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Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves