the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
You Might Also Like
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.