Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations

him: who ar- wait what

interviewer: any interests outside of work

me: war and space documentaries

mom: he means star wars

me: mom stay in the car

mom: nerd

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *

Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*