Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
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riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.