@doktorj: "Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan," says my accountant while rubbing his temples.

@WheelTod: Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend's place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

@BlindChow: "Shotgun!" I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat. I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

@longwall26: Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife's office Christmas party.

@hippieswordfish: COP: put ur hands in the air ME: ok C: now flip them over M: k? C: now cross them M: what C: put them behind ur head M: why- C: hey macarena