
Me: will you have my baby?
Her: omg yes!
Me: * hands her a baby…
* runs…
Please insert your card
Do not remove card
Do not remove card
Do not re–
REMOVE CARD NOW! REMOVE IT NOW! OH MY GOD ARE YOU CRAZY GET IT OU
Me: will you have my baby?
Her: omg yes!
Me: * hands her a baby…
* runs…
[taking long drag from cigarette] if the blackbox can’t be destroyed then why don’t they just make the whole plane out of the blackbox material
flight attendant: you are absolutely not allowed to smoke in here
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Coworker: Ugh, the coffee is too strong
Me: There is no strong coffee. Just weak people.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Me: You have to be nice or Santa won’t deliver any toys this year.
5:
Me:
5: My brother lets me play with his.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”