@ManiacallySound: I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That shit's totally different.

@: The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

@ItsAndyRyan: "Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out" "Correct English is 'you've run out of tea'. What else?" "You've walked out of wife"

@topaz_kell: The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.

@Brampersandon_: STUDENT: Will there be a final? PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods? BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business