@infinitesimull

Please insert your card
Do not remove card
Do not remove card
Do not re–
REMOVE CARD NOW! REMOVE IT NOW! OH MY GOD ARE YOU CRAZY GET IT OU

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@TedInModeration

Me: will you have my baby?
Her: omg yes!
Me: * hands her a baby…
* runs…

@NOTVIKING

[taking long drag from cigarette] if the blackbox can’t be destroyed then why don’t they just make the whole plane out of the blackbox material

flight attendant: you are absolutely not allowed to smoke in here

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

@Mr_Kapowski

Coworker: Ugh, the coffee is too strong

Me: There is no strong coffee. Just weak people.

@Death_Buddy

When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating

@Rainbowbunee

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

@lisaxy424

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

@iinkedZombie

Me: You have to be nice or Santa won’t deliver any toys this year.

5:

Me:

5: My brother lets me play with his.