Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
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Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Unsolicited sandwich pics.