Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
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ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.