@DaddyJew

Please keep my son in your prayers, he walked out of the house with only 3% battery left on his kindle and judging by his reaction this is the end of the world. Prayers

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@kiiimdaaa

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

@BitchyJasmine

Listened to some Beethoven last night. And some Lady Gaga today. Now I’m quite confused.

Who’s the deaf one again?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: I never would’ve guessed you’re in your 30’s. You look so young.
Me: I’m old at heart.

@CAshmanActor

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

@chrisanna4real

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

@rockymomax

SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second

@wendyraepearce

Before you do that- think, Would an idiot do that?
Then, don’t do that.

@HatfieldAnne

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

@mimicz

Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.