Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
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Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Have a lovely day 😊
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Fidel Castro was alive?