Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
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My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Life is a suicide mission.