Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
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There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
When he asks for feet pics
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
that wasn’t the question
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*