Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
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The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.