“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
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Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Venn
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold