“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

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I thought I lost my car keys, but the NSA called and said they were in my other pants.


Waiter: Would Sir care to choose his lobster?
Me: There’s only 1 in the tank & he’s holding a sign that says ‘I have a family’


Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.


I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.


In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”


[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people


DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful


When I ask my wife if she wants help, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I’m some sort of bear scientist.


That awkward moment when your stormtrooper army loses a battle to a bunch of teddy bears with sticks and stones.