“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
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Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
This one’s “Alex”.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.