Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
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I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.