“Please. Make yourself at home.”

*Brings cat and litter box inside*

*Spreads cat poop on ground next to litter box*

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Sending everyone soggy empty boxes this year with a note – Hope you enjoy this expensive ice sculpture made in your honor. #CheapChristmas


Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.


The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”


Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there


im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…


Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.


[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?


Him: Have you ever been so drunk that you…
Me: Yes
Him: But I didn’t finish…
Me: The answer is yes


Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.


Just had a customer giving me his email and he said “E as in X-ray” 😭