THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
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WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
[finds sock with hole in it]
[puts sock back in same drawer]
No c?h?i?l?d? donuts left behind.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I’m at my most gymnastic when I’m trying not to touch the toilet seat, sink and door handle in a public restroom.