Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
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I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
had to share :’)
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.