Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
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2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.