My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
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My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
my dog when i have a friend over
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?