Me: “Hello? Yeah hi I’m calling about your commercial where the woman looks really happy cleaning the kitchen, what’s her number?”
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
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How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Who decided to call it a proctologist and not an analyst?
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
The new Batman is super realistic — he’s attracted to porch lights, makes your girlfriend scream and then the cat eats him
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied