@capnwatsisname

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

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@YayForAnxiety

Me: “Hello? Yeah hi I’m calling about your commercial where the woman looks really happy cleaning the kitchen, what’s her number?”

@PMTheron1

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

@El_nacho_Nigre

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

@just1fool

Who decided to call it a proctologist and not an analyst?

@goldengateblond

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

@CourtneyBale

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

@mugkip

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

@briangaar

The new Batman is super realistic — he’s attracted to porch lights, makes your girlfriend scream and then the cat eats him

@GrantTanaka

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied