Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
You Might Also Like
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.