Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
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I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
become ungovernable
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.