A doorbell that whispers “hide.”
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
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I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours. I would have paid a hundred dollars to watch that.
Be the first thought on her mind when she wakes up & the last before she sleeps… unless she’s plotting your murder… then don’t be that.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8