@robotrowboat

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

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@girl_a_whirl

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

@shawn_spree

I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours. I would have paid a hundred dollars to watch that.

@drinksmcgee

Be the first thought on her mind when she wakes up & the last before she sleeps… unless she’s plotting your murder… then don’t be that.

@GrantTanaka

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

@sree2weets

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

@Rollinintheseat

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

@lecalabara

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

@ArfMeasures

“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?

“2”

SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8