Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

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[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings


I always keep at least 6 wigs in my trunk for trips to the grocery store so I can keep going back for samples


*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”


You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers


A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.


Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”


My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.