@_NinJar
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
@House_Feminist
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
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@_NinJar
@TalibJim
Guys WhatsApp status be like “at the gym” since 2014…. Brother are you going to fight Brock Lesnar or just trying to get 12 pack??!!!
@Sin6005
Relationship status:
Carpal tunnel is ruining my sex life.
@lyric_intent
[Broken Air Conditioner]
Her:*sweaty* how did the pioneers ever survive without A/C?
*sweating audibly* well, they’re all dead, aren’t they?
@s_cLaN07
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
@TheTweetOfGod
Sometimes you can spend so much time staring at your phone you forget about the beauty all around you, so be sure to Google that.
@Lhlodder
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
@CantWaitToNap
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
@KirstenCatClub
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
@rudy_mustang
God: then you become a butterfly
Caterpillar: wow. the rest of my life as a butterfly
God: yeah lol the “rest”
Caterpillar: how long
God:
Caterpillar: how long God