[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
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I always keep at least 6 wigs in my trunk for trips to the grocery store so I can keep going back for samples
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Runs with scissors
Gets hit by bus
When we draw birds we basically just draw flying mustaches.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.