Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
You Might Also Like
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*