@House_Feminist

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

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@buhrooke

This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. 🥺

Normally, I do not go because I am poor.

@jamdugg

Pretty much everything I know about Caribbean geography, I learned from that Beach Boys song ‘Kokomo.’

@Crunk_Jews

This drunk guy in the mirror thinks he can beat me in a dance off but I totally embarrassed him in front of the whole women’s bathroom.

@GrantTanaka

[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis

@seamussaid

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

@cool_as_heck

Boy: I wish more girls liked farming
Girl: I like farming
Boy: Lol oh yeah? Name the 5 most water-efficient irrigation systems of the 1980s

@TravLeBlanc

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

@ProdigyNelson

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

@TheTumblrPosts

Me: I’m a confident driver
Friend: You almost just ran someone over
Me: Confidently tho