Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
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i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
What?!?
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.