Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
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Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle