Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
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My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”