@msdanifernandez

Please respect my privacy during this time. Nothing happened I just don’t want to talk to anyone.

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@teehee_sarah

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

@kumailn

“I bet all those murders are done by that hooded guy whose always running around rooftops w 17 weapons on him.”-Nobody in Assassin’s Creed

@gojarbe

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

@TheAndrewNadeau

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

@AntozWolf

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

@Gooooats

My daughter can just cut and paste into google translate to do her French homework, and she learns nothing. When I was her age I had to learn nothing the hard way.

@daddydoubts

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.

@nurserycrimes

a romantic scene where we’re running toward each other but then i run past you and pick up your dog