Please respect my privacy during this time. Nothing happened I just don’t want to talk to anyone.

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living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated


“I bet all those murders are done by that hooded guy whose always running around rooftops w 17 weapons on him.”-Nobody in Assassin’s Creed


*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that


exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out


I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.


My daughter can just cut and paste into google translate to do her French homework, and she learns nothing. When I was her age I had to learn nothing the hard way.


New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.


a romantic scene where we’re running toward each other but then i run past you and pick up your dog