Please respect my privacy during this time. Nothing happened I just don’t want to talk to anyone.

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*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*


My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.


Turkey bacon is a lot like normal bacon except that IT’S NOT AND IT NEEDS TO GO BACK TO HELL, WHERE IT CAME FROM.


When I’m bored I like to call in sick to places I don’t work for. I’m getting written up at Home Depot


If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.


Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?
Me: I left my pills in my other bag & I’m about to get REALLY chatty.
C: You’re free to go.


Ab Muscles: You’re having ANOTHER cookie?

Brain: Yep!

Ab Muscles: You’re just never planning on seeing us again?

Brain: Nope!