@bigmacher

Please retweet my son, it would mean a lot to him, apparently his mother’s love isn’t enough for him.

#IfYourMomWroteYourTwitterBio

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@fro_vo

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly

@gtfml

When someone tells me they’re a bodybuilder, I always ask “Not the Dr. Frankenstein kind, right?” because you can never be too careful.

@longwall26

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

@TheAlexNevil

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

@AntonioFrench

Trump’s foreign policy answers sound like a book report from a teenager who hasn’t read the book. “Oh, the grapes! They had so much wrath!”

@sophielou

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

@natsmama75

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

@NicestHippo

[college ad]
High schoolers: You’ve sat in a chair for 4 years. How would you like to do that again, but this time at enormous cost to you?

@PinkCamoTO

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

@eedrk

“living well is the best revenge”. yeah but obviously im not gonna do that. whats the second best. cutting their brakes, right