I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
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[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”