Please retweet my son, it would mean a lot to him, apparently his mother’s love isn’t enough for him.


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MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok


BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly


When someone tells me they’re a bodybuilder, I always ask “Not the Dr. Frankenstein kind, right?” because you can never be too careful.


If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them


Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”


Trump’s foreign policy answers sound like a book report from a teenager who hasn’t read the book. “Oh, the grapes! They had so much wrath!”


We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.


My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.


[college ad]
High schoolers: You’ve sat in a chair for 4 years. How would you like to do that again, but this time at enormous cost to you?


I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.


“living well is the best revenge”. yeah but obviously im not gonna do that. whats the second best. cutting their brakes, right