Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
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*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
was Jim off killing horses or…
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.