Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
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Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
not to brag, but mine was free
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory