@dumbbeezie

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

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@PencilWalrus

[Job interview]

“What would you say is your greatest strength?”

“Sticking my fingers in people’s mouths.”

“Arhghv-um-hirv-ok-hrbsj-hired”

@Lisa_Laughs_

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

@TheAmecha

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

@PetrickSara

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

@Mr_Kapowski

Honestly Officer, the pharmacy ran out of those orange pill bottles so they just gave it to me in this plastic baggie.

@steeve_again

School Review Board: you only want pure blood children to attend?

Salazar Slytherin: that is true.

School Review Board: and you have a room with a giant snake that attacks children?

Salazar Slytherin: also true.

School Review Board: *stamp* approved

@laurenreeves

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

@Staggfilms

Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!

Boss:…

*our eyes lock and we kiss*