“What would you say is your greatest strength?”
“Sticking my fingers in people’s mouths.”
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
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Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Honestly Officer, the pharmacy ran out of those orange pill bottles so they just gave it to me in this plastic baggie.
School Review Board: you only want pure blood children to attend?
Salazar Slytherin: that is true.
School Review Board: and you have a room with a giant snake that attacks children?
Salazar Slytherin: also true.
School Review Board: *stamp* approved
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
*our eyes lock and we kiss*