@dumbbeezie: Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
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@Girl_Censored: A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said "you're like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
@dorsalstream: HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet. ME: Haha no. Those bodies won't show their skeletons for months.
@LifesGoodThing: My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
@thepunningman: Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can't live on salad, Eleanor