Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
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The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
much to think about
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
From my Mom
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.