[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
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i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Me trying to walk in a dream
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.