If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
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“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Guestroom Ceiling Fan Levels:
1) barely moving
2) maybe faster
3) God spake unto Job from the whirlwind
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Listen, I’ve been stuck atop this condemned lighthouse for weeks now, and you don’t hear me complaining. No one does
my nephew is 13 and starting to ask girls on dates. so he asked my brother what was the best way to ask a girl on a date and he told him to find something they were both interested in and ask if she wanted to do it.
so my nephew asked the girl if she liked chicken nuggets.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
bout dat hot dog summer
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.