Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
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ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*