@ShortSleeveSuit

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

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@Goofpoops

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

@Iwriteforcats

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

@Seinfeld2000

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

@noneofyours99

DM – omg tazz long time no speak
Me – hi (who are you?)
DM – How have you been?

Me – okay I’m gonna need you to show me all your Avis since 2013

@ClichedOut

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

@sad_tree

Lettuce is like that friend you only hang out with in a group with other friends.

“Hang out? Who else is coming?Ham? Great. I’ll be there.”

@TheDairylandDon

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

@Reverend_Scott

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem