Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
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Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that